im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
