I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
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That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.