Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
