Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize