im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
