I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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