Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
