You just made me feel so damn special
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
