i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
