VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
