smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
