I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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