I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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