I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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