After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
