Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
