I'm eating all of the evidence.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
