she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I love having hate sex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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