coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I love you.
Bad choice
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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