Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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