you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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