Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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