her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
