i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
