ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
