Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
