I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
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I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
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why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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