Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
