i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
