Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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