I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
