I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
