we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
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He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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