i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The best revenge is premature balding
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
