Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
