During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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