I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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