I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He's on the porch naked. Help.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
