I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
