I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
