You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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