i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
