You just made me feel so damn special
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
