i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
