Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
