My liver just broke up with me...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
