I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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