So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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