I love black thongs
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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