He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
