omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
