Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
