Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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